Nikki Bella opens up about her painful past.
In her new, incomparable diary – which she co-wrote with her twin sister Bree – the 36-year-old Total Bellas star shares the stressful details of her sexual assault, why she felt ashamed to share her truth, how she learned to let go of it, and how she plans to empower others.
In the book, she said, Nikki was raped at the age of 15 by a high school classmate she thought was a friend. Then, at age 16, she was raped again after a college-aged man drugged her.
“There is the horrific infraction at the present time, and then the shame and blame that follow and feel worse than the original pain,” she wrote in the book. “When something like this happens to you, you understand the victim blaming mentality, how easy it is to feel shame rather than anger, and how easy it is to feel that you could have stopped it yourself.
In her conversation, the future mother explains why she has held so much blame all these years – and the dire impact this has had on her life, relationships, and future.
“When it happened to me, I immediately felt so shy and blamed myself,” she says, “and that’s what made me want to keep this secret.” “And keeping it a secret and blaming myself, I started losing my confidence. I started to disrespect myself. Then the relationships I entered into at a young age, I left others disrespectful to me and I felt, this is good, what I deserved.”
I’ve been this way for a really long time, “she admits.” I would have been in for treatment intermittently. Looking at it now, I’m like, ‘Oh Nicole, I wish I had ditched you at a young age. Much has changed for you. And I think that’s what made me really want to tell these stories at last. “
“When that happened to me, I immediately just felt so ashamed and blamed myself, and that’s what made me want to keep it such a secret,” she says. “And keeping that a secret and blaming myself, I started to lose my confidence. I started to disrespect myself. And then the relationships I got into at a young age, I let other people disrespect me and felt like, that’s okay, this is what I deserved.”
I was like that for a really long time,” she admits. “I would go to therapy on and off. Looking at it now I’m like, ‘Oh Nicole, I wish you just would’ve let go at a young age. So much would have changed for you.’ And I think that’s what made me really want to tell these stories finally.
Now, Nikki says she is eager to share her truth in hopes of helping others who have gone through similar situations.
She recalls, “When the #MeToo movement happened, I was like,“ Oh my God. ”I feel like if I had these younger women looking at me, maybe I could help them and make them not hold it as long as I did. It wasn’t until I turned 28 and in a relationship that he started teaching me how to respect myself. This is when I stuck with things and felt like I had no limits. And I was always looking at Bree like, “Oh, she has limits, she treats herself that respect. How do you do I don’t have this? And I knew why. But I’ve been holding on for a long time. When I look back at the decisions I’ve made based on that, I hope to hear.” My words now as a 36-year-old woman, and to be like, ‘You’ll be fine.
The new notes give readers a glimpse of what life was like for Bellas growing up. From loss and abuse to addicting struggles and relationship woes, WWE Hall Of Fame recruits share how they overcame adversity and finally find a goal.
“I hope that everyone who reads the book throws up any dream dress and says,” I am the hero of my story and I will conquer everything I want to do! “Nikki says.